How to Score at the Christmas Party

Created at 16:44 on Tue 24th Apr 2007

Submitted 10th May 2006 by Austin Mowat

[This article is aggressively non-politically correct. Bear that in mind as you read it.]

Some people treat the office Christmas party as a singles bar; this is neither encouraged nor discouraged, but happens nonetheless. Here is the way you can capitalize on the situation.

[The information has been given in as non-gendered a format as possible, as the advice applies to both men and women.]

Before you even leave your flat, inspect yourself. Make sure that nothing is out of place, and that what you are wearing works. Your outfit should hug your best parts, hide your worst parts, and allow you to move comfortably. Your outfit will help you sell yourself, and overcome anything bad that you may have over the last year.

Be advised that any reputation may actually help you. As the singles scene that is the Christmas party goes into the night, those that are looking for a quick date may seek you out. It may seem desperate, but it is what you are looking for, so don’t turn it away. The more of a reputation that you have as a, um, good date, the more likely you will be sought out early, and by less desperate types. The more virginal your reputation is, the more likely you will be sought at the end of the night, so stay in and keep swinging, something will happen.

Stay away from married people; besides the obvious issue, you really don’t want to end up like a deer in the headlights the next morning. Try to keep to the singles; they are not only safer, but the next-day consequences are limited in comparison.

Try to feel out the crowd, and try to pick a target as soon as possible. Don’t target more than one person at a time; either target can feel insulted at the treatment, cause a scene, and your chances are dead. Do lavish attention on the person, as the more earnest the attention given the more likely you will end up together. But remember that attention has to be earnest. Don’t go in with expectations and do go with the flow; it works as well as in fishing as it does in getting someone to like you, to really like you.

Bear in mind that if you are going to fish from the office pool that there can be consequences. Remember to treat whoever you end up with that night with the utmost respect, and to call if you say you will call. You want the relationship to stay amicable if possible; after all, office romance gone wrong can get you fired. Therefore, it is up to the participants to remain mature and find a way to get along at work, especially if it were a disastrous hook-up. By agreeing, as adults, that it was disastrous, you can agree to get along.

On the other hand, if it was fun, it was fun. As consenting adults, you can agree to a one-night stand, or explore it further. That decision is up to you.